i have a long way to go

parenting is by far THE hardest thing i have ever done in my life.  harder than grad school, harder than running a marathon, harder than my job as a therapist.  don't get me wrong, i love isaac so so so much and am grateful to be a parent. i see a lot of joy, daily, as a mom.  i am blessed and am growing and learning a ton from this full time job/experience.  but it's hard.  i am writing this after an especially hard day.  and sometimes i think it must, it has to, get easier.  but i don't think that's going to be the case.  i keep thinking "maybe just b/c isaac has only known us for 3 months, we're still getting used to each other, and that's what is hard about it".....maybe. isaac woke up this morning at about 4:20am, right after i was bragging to some friends last night about how he sleeps a solid 12hrs straight through the night.  i mean, i went in to check on him, and he's wide awake.  he's so cute and excited that i'm there to get him out of his crib, unfortunately my motive was to get him back to sleep as quick as possible so i too could resume my slumber.  20 minutes later, i called in reinforcements, yup, woke up Nathan to see if he could do what i was failing at.  just before 5am, isaac was back asleep.  bless his heart. 
i woke up at 8, isaac was still asleep, awesome.  when he finally woke up, i went in to get him ready.  so excited at this point b/c i got some sleep and b/c i get to spend all day with my favorite little buddy.  we really did have a good day.  i love my days off with him.  most of the time.  except for the hour or so he spent whining, crying, and eventually screaming.  it wasn't exactly consistent, and 30 minutes of that was during what should have been his first nap.  i mean, there are just these moments where he wants something, usually i can tell what he wants, but sometimes he is signing 'please' over and over and i have no clue what it is he's please-ing about, so he gets upset, i mean like pushing me away upset.  and just trying to figure out what is best for his nap schedule, and did he get enough protein today, and why is he screaming and upset now, and oh my gosh i think i'm going deaf from his ear-piercing screams, and those huge tears are breaking my heart....yeah, that's what makes parenting hard on days like today.
but today was also a great day!  although cold and kind of damp outside, we made the most of it. he likes to get up on the bed and i will roll across the bed, and he thinks it is the most hilarious thing in the world. another fun game we play is he will go into our bathroom and shut the door, then he will slowly open it as i pop my head inside and say HELLO, he squeals and jumps a little then closes the door and i say BYE-BYE, and we do that over and over, he thinks it's just as funny the 20th time as the first!  it's especially sweet when he opens the door, laughs and then comes and hugs me!  love it.  today he got up on the bed and stood up on the shelf that is also our head board, he was really proud of himself and started to kind of bounce up and down while smiling ever so slyly, then i said DANCE ISAAC and he did his trademark dance, he just points his little index fingers and moves his arms up and down, while bouncing up and down.  he was so proud!  he has also been going up to the windows and smushing his little nose and mouth against it and laughing really loudly.  it's great.
it's also fun because he's not quite 16 months old, he is saying some words, but lately he has been babbling SO MUCH more, he's always been a talker, from the moment we met him, but now it's that much more and i will say something and he tries to say it back to me.  i can see his little mind working.  it's really amazing to watch him.
he went to bed at 7, i cleaned up the house, wrote some letters, and now blogging.  Thank you God for another good day.  please continue to extend your grace to me, i have so far to go!